Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
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her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I enjoy a good short stor
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again