“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia