ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet