Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
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I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating