the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
You Might Also Like
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
constantly working on myself.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Happy Caturday!
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.