My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
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Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”