Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
You Might Also Like
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
selena gomez
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits