Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
You Might Also Like
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.