THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
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I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Oh my god
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.