We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.