If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No