In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
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Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
それは草
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
found my next D&D character name
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators