Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
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Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Worth the read.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?