The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
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I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I feel seen.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.