Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
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If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”