friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
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It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder