Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
wtf is an acronym
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
This pepper has seen some shit
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry