Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
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Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5