self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Kermit goes Blue.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app