Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
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“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Good boy 😂😂
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.