Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust