Everyone’s family
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I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
How can I say no to this ?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
⛄️
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog