Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Discuss
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look