Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
What the hell is going on?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”