Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Best table by far
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.