Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying