That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Never forget.
I’m not wrong
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go