“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
You Might Also Like
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Optional boss fight.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…