Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
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Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Lmfao
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.