“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
This is a true ally.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.