To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
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[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I want what they have
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.