Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
“Huge”.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!