teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind