I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
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i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
School be like
Good morning, Twitter 😊
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.