I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
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Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
And then there were 4
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.