Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
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The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
This meal prepping shit easy
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels