Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
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4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel