If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
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[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.