Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
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“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Is this a threat?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.