I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
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If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.