Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
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*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.