Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
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People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.