If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
smh
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets