Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
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[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
thank god
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling