me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
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ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I am, perchance
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.