A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”