My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
You Might Also Like
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Worth the read.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.