On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
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There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great