I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
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Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.