handsome & gretel
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My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.